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Ask Chris #88: The Justice League of Professional Wrestlers

By Chris Sims

Q: Let’s say the Justice League has fallen to Darkseid or some other Ultimate Evil. It’s up to you to hand pick seven professional wrestlers from any era to replace them. Who do you select, besides the American Dream Dusty Rhodes, who is A GIVEN. — Michael Haynes, via email

A: Let me tell you something, Michael “P.S.” Haynes: I like your style. For one thing, even though it was how I killed countless hours back at my old job, to the point where I once had a serious conversation with a coworker about how the McRib was definitely the Green Arrow of the McDonald’s menu, it’s been a while since I did a “who would replace the Justice League” question, and it’s also been a while since I’ve had an Ask Chris about my love of pro wrestling. Although now that I think of it, both of those elements last showed up in columns involving My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

I’ve got a pretty weird job.

And for another, you have correctly identified my first choice. If my goal here is to fill the seven archetypes of the Justice League with their closest equivalents in the Squared Circle, then my pick for Superman is definitely The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, circa 1985.

The parallels here are pretty obvious: The great thing about Superman is that for all the power that he has from being an alien energized by Earth’s yellow sun, he’s a human at heart, raised by farmers and taught to use his powers to stand up for those who couldn’t do so themselves. Whether it was the populist super-heroics of the Golden Age or the battle against cosmic threats that only he could stand against, the core idea has always been that he’s the ultimate champion of the common man. He might wine and dine with (Atlantean) kings and (Amazon) queens, but he also eats in… well, giant crystalline fortresses at the north pole that house a diary that he carves into metal slabs with his heat vision in the language of a dead planet. But whatever. Close enough.

Dusty’s the same way. He might not have been raised by farmers in Smallvile, but as you might’ve noticed from the subtle message on his truly amazing T-shirt, he’s the son of a plumber. And like Superman, his main value isn’t just in his power, but in his ability to inspire others.

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